LotR in HP
by evol norgara
Summary: LOTRHPSMUT Extremely random and not for the weak.
1. Making out I mean Making up

A/N This is just a little side project that I had in mind. I don't expect a lot of reviews but if you could it would be nice. I'm sure I spelled something wrong but I cant find it. Anyways, this is a bit inappropriate for children under 13. Go read my other story Elle's Secret it's a bit more sane.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Do you really think I own Harry Potter? Wow some people are so dense these days.  
  
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Potions Class:  
  
"Today we will be making the Hobbit Potion. Can anyone tell me what this potion does? Other than Ms. Granger," Snape snarled as Hermione's hand slowly went down.  
  
"Oh! Oh! I actually know for once!" Dean raised his hand and waved it around.  
  
"I told you to wear your blue ones when you see me don't make me remind you again," said Snape.  
  
"No, I know the answer," said Dean.  
  
"Oh. Of course. I knew that. Answer the question then," said Snape.  
  
"The Hobbit potion make the drinker turn into a Hobbit for a certain amount of time. RING OF POWER!" said Dean, his voice booming as he said 'Ring of Power.'  
  
*Dum dum dum*  
  
"The Ring of Power?"  
  
"Yes the Ring of Power! That's what I just said!"  
  
"Sorry, wanted to be a bit dramatic there."  
  
"The Ring of Power is commonly know as the the One Ring. It is seen in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy," said Dean with a tone that sounded like a Pokedex. (Try to imagine it.)  
  
"Turn to page 666 and you shall find the ingredients."  
  
Ingredients:  
  
Hobbit Weed  
  
Aragorn Stubble  
  
Legolas Hair  
  
Hobbit Feet Hair  
  
Lembas  
  
More Lembas  
  
Gimli Beard  
  
Chip off the Old Gandalf Staff  
  
Powdered Orc  
  
"What are you waiting for? Start!"  
  
Hermione started putting in ingredients while Harry and Ron were preparing them. Three cauldrons down there was a big boom.  
  
"BOOM!"  
  
"Longbottom! I see you added to much Hobbit weed! And look at that color! It's suppose to be pink! Not magenta! For your punishment you shall drink it and get high off the hobbit weed. Then you will strip off your clothes and dancing in the cauldron!"  
  
"Er..darn. At least its better than the old 'nude cauldron washing game' punishment."  
  
Neville drank the whole cauldron of magenta liduid. Within moments he was high. REALLY high. Neville was so high that he passed out before he could take off his pants. Snape looked a bit disappointed.  
  
"Crabbe! Goyle! Carry Neville to Madame Pomfrey! No...leave his shirt off."  
  
Snape picked up the shirt and went into his office. After a while he came out with a grin on his face. What happened in there? I don't even want to know...  
  
"Good Malfoy. I see you shaved your Aragorn stubble quite evenly. Unlike Potter here you know how to handle a man's job. Come see my in my office after class."  
  
Snape had that sickening grin on his face again. Harry chopped up some lembas and put it in.  
  
"Harry! You're not suppose to put in the lembas until the Hobbit Feet Hair have turned blonde!"  
  
"Opps."  
  
Harry tried to scope them out but it was too late. "Time to try your potions everyone! Drink them NOW!"  
  
The whole class started drinking their potion.  
  
"I can tell by your purple colored beard that you added to less Legolas Hair."  
  
Parvati frowned and her little hobbit feet stomped on the floor.  
  
"Malfoy seems to be the only one who has done it correctly. His feet have hair, he is half his normal size, and he had the smell of weed in his mouth. Seven million points to Slytherin."  
  
Malfoy looked quite content even though he was about two feet high.  
  
"Potter on the other hand put the lembas in early and came out to be a stupid, fat hobbit. Shall I take off points or make you stay after class?"  
  
"Err...I'll stay after class."  
  
"Excellent. Muah ha...Muah ha ha... MUAH HA HA HA! Just clearing my throat."  
  
~class ends~  
  
Everyone is back to their normal tall self. Harry stays after.  
  
"You told me to see you Proffesor Snape?"  
  
"Yes. Dean will show you what to do."  
  
"Err...ok."  
  
Dean pops out from Snape's broom compartment naked.  
  
"You have to do Nude Class Cleaning Punishment with me. The name is self explanatory."  
  
"Ok...I knew I should've gone for the points. It's freezing out here."  
  
Harry does as he is told and starts cleaning with Dean. Why is Dean here? He didn't get in trouble. Strange. Very strange. Makes you think what he's up to. Snape sits down with a bag of popcorn and watches them. Dean startes showing off but dancing while he cleans. Snape seems to enjoy it. Harry doesn't want to be outdone by Dean so he starts break dancing. Snape's face lights up. Soon they all stop cleaning and start having a dance contest. Snape joins in and does the Macarena with Harry. Neville walks in and finds them all dancing nude. "Professor Snape!"  
  
"No Neville it isn't what you think!"  
  
"I can see perfectly well! You're, you're cheating on me!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Harry and Dean get back into the broom closet and come out with all their clothes on. They walk away as they hear Snape and Neville making out...I mean making up.  
  
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A/N I know that was weird. I hope it was some how humorous. If you people want one about another class you can just let me know. I'll try to get one done. Please R&R! 


	2. Elves to Men

A/N Wow I never expected for anyone to read my fanfic. So here I am with another disturbing fanfic with LotR in HP. Hope you enjoy! I messed up the order of the classes so it can be continuous! Anyways, I might change it later on. Not everything in Harry Potter can be Lord of the Rings...right?  
  
Disclaimer: Yes I own all those perverted thoughts and plots. Whoa that rhymed. It was NOT suppose to rhyme.  
  
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Why is everything LotR style? Because a teenage witch named Sabrina thought it would be funny to wave her little finger and put a LotR spell on Hogwarts. Blame her not me. I'm just telling you everything.  
  
Harry and Dean skipped to Transfiguration. Yes they skipped merrily not as in the skipped that class. Ok? Good.  
  
"May I ask why you're late Mr. Potter?"  
  
"I dunno, I think you just did."  
  
"Answer my question!"  
  
"Err...ok. We had to stay after class to do nude class cleaning."  
  
"I see that Professor Snape is cheating on Neville again eh?"  
  
"Oh no. They made out- I mean then made up after that..."  
  
"I see...this is interesting- Very interesting."  
  
"Riiiight..."  
  
"Sit down Mr. Potter and Mr. Thomas."  
  
Harry sits down next to Ron and Hermione. Dean sits down somewhere else. I'm not sure where, but I'm pretty sure its not around Harry. Do you think I'm explaining too much? I think I am.  
  
"Today we will be transforming elves into rugged, manly men."  
  
The girls and Dean cheered: "Yay! Rugged and manly men! Whoohoo!"  
  
Professor McGonagall pulled out an elf from her broom closet, which was surprisingly covered with lipstick marks, and said 'Yu Yu Hakusho!" (A/N sorry about that! I just HAD to put that there. I always wanted to say that!) The once clean and pretty elf (a guy of course) turned into a rugged and manly man. All the girls and Dean went 'Ohhhhh Ahhhhhh" while they guys went 'how they hell is this suppose to help us?'  
  
"Everyone grab an elf from the broom closet and start! You will be graded on how manly and rugged your man looks. If their ears are still pointy then you have failed."  
  
All the girls and Dean rushed to the broom closet, which was quite small, and pulled out 20 elves. They seemed to have been squished in because their hair wasn't as perfect as it should've been. (Gasp! The closet wasn't magicked?) Soon everyone started yelling 'Yu Yu Hakusho!' The elves turned into men and they didn't seem very happy.  
  
"Your man is too clean you need more dirt."  
  
Hermione seemed to have gotten it right because her man looked as rugged and manly as Aragorn! (*swoons*)  
  
"Perfect man you got there Hermione! He's rugged and manly and he even has a trickle of blood coming down! How did that happen?"  
  
"Err."  
  
"I'm going to pretend that I didn't see that. 10 points to Gryffindor for every manly man!"  
  
As Professor McGonagall had expected most students, mainly all the girls and Dean, had not changed their elves but instead they started snogging them. She didn't mind. She just undid her bun (*gasp*) and pulled an innocent elf into the broom closet along with herself. Dean finally stopped snogging and weakly said 'Yu Yu Hakusho' The elf didn't turn into a man he just had manly clothes now instead of the regular tights and tight shirt. Suddenlt Professor McGonagall popped out of the closet and said "Class Dismissed! No...leave the elves here." All the girls and Dean went "Darn..." Professor McGonagall shut the door and started 'making up' with the elf. (Everyone's a perv! Whoo!) After a few minutes in the closet she came out did her hair and headed toward Snape's office. She stood outside for a while, listening to hear if he was done 'punishing' Neville. He was.  
  
"Serverus, how could you? You dirty two timing PIMP!"  
  
"No! I'm sorry I didn't mean to shag Neville! He was just too-"  
  
"Hard to resist? Yes I know. But still you could have told me first!"  
  
"Sorry...FORGIVE ME!!!!!"  
  
"K. But first..."  
  
The door slammed and I just couldn't stay there any longer to see what was next. Please don't ask! It was so horrible to just hear! The horror! THE HORROR!  
  
Okie now...back to the story...  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked into the Great Hall. By now the spell was so strong that every guy started wear either tights, Hobbit capris(that's what I call them), or really muddy pants and every girl and Dean started to wear frilly long dresses that had unnamed colors. Ron wore tights and Harry wore Hobbit capris. Dean look so girl-like (not that he wasn't already girl-like) in his new (insert unnamed color here) dress that Malfoy asked him out. Dean of course said yes. All the girls were jealous of Dean but he couldn't care less...you know why? DRACO WAS WEARING TIGHTS! (AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) (*swoons again*)  
  
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A/N Sorry! I had to stop there! It was getting to hard to concentrate with the image of Draco in tights in my mind. Hope you either enjoyed it or totally grossed out! Sorry if I picked on Dean so much. Couldn't think of any other guy in Harry Potter. Now whenever I write girl I have to write and Dean after it.  
  
Will Snape ever wash his hair? Will Dean snog Draco? Will Sabrina be stopped? Will I get a life and move on? Tune in next time and find out. 


	3. Hoomalicious

A/N It's hard updating two stories at once. You try it! I appreciate the reviews I even accept flames so feel free to do whatever you want. Just don't take my story! It may be perverted but it's my perverted story.  
  
Disclaimer: I own plot how about you?  
  
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Shouldn't Sabrina have a wand? This IS a Harry Potter fanfic. I guess she had surgery and implanted her wand in her finger. Her spell is still there. It will be there till I say it ends. Duh. Where did we leave off? Oh yes, Draco in tights. (*swoon*)  
  
Whatever happened in Snape's office with McGonagall? Do you really want to know? If you don't just go away and flame my review or something. Here goes...  
  
"Minerva! You wild woman. That's a great idea. Let me close the door first."  
  
"I'll get the pieces."  
  
They both hurried and did what the did. And before you know it they were...playing wizard chess. What else were you thinking about you sick perv?! Anyways...Snape won the first 5 games and McGonagall won the last 134 games. They got tired and so did their pieces.  
  
"Let's go something we haven't done in more than ten years."  
  
"Sure. What did you have in mind?"  
  
"I'm not sure-"  
  
"I know!"  
  
And soon they were both on the floor doing what you thought they were doing earlier before. Yes I know it is so disgusting. But that's what they did. Really.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"What? Is my manly manhood getting to you?"  
  
"No. I thought I saw a spider."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"Am I to manly for you? Huh? I knew it! I am a MANLY MAN! Feel my POWER! MUAH HA HA!"  
  
"No. It was just a mouse."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"What now? Do I need to perform an anti-scream spell?"  
  
"No, I was just surprised by your 'power'"  
  
"Darn! I missed my chance to say it."  
  
Ok I'm going to stop now...This is getting to wild even for me.  
  
~Herbolory Class~  
  
"Today we will be charming ents. Now ent charming is very hard because they are so big and huge."  
  
"Why do we charm ents?"  
  
"Because I said so."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Now wave your wands in the air and shout 'Hoomalicious' like you just don't care."  
  
"Hoomalicious!"  
  
"Good. Bring in the Ents!"  
  
The giant ents came in and squashed Neville. No one seemed to notice.  
  
"Shout Hoomalicious now!"  
  
The class waved their wands in the air and shouted Hoomalicious like they just didn't care. The ents were dazed and they had blank stares in their eyes.  
  
"Good job everyone! Now we can burn them!"  
  
"Why do we burn ents?"  
  
"How many times do I have to say this? BECAUSE I SAID SO!"  
  
"Oh. Sorry I was just wondering."  
  
They tapped the ents with their wands and they were on fire.  
  
"Hoom! Hoom! Hoom!"  
  
The ents were walking slowly shouting hoom. It was a spectacular sighte. Ents on fire and the remains of Neville's squished body. Class ended after the last ent burned down. Dean was longing for Draco and Harry was feeling a bit chilly in his Hobbit capris.  
  
"Ew! I have Neville on my shoe! Disgusting."  
  
"Who told you to step on him?"  
  
"Harry did."  
  
"I wasn't expecting an answer but okay..."  
  
"Hey look! Malfoy is snogging Dean!"  
  
"Ew...that is very VERY disturbing."  
  
"I know. Who would want to kiss Malfoy after he just ate onions?"  
  
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A/N Sorry that was a bit short! I was getting tired of talking about ents. Hoom! Anyways I hope you enjoyed it. Which class should I do next? 


	4. Dwarves are Kinda Sexy

A/N GAH! I know I haven't updated in a long ass time. So here's a DADA class in Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings style. I needed some time to think. Oh, and the teacher's Lupin just because he's such an animal. Rowr.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing T_T  
  
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Last chapter Draco was snogging Dean right after he ate onions so this chapter should be about defence against dwarves. Everyone settled into the classroom with Remus Lupin as the instructor. He was here to instruct the little perverts, I mean innocent children how to defend against dwarves. Duh, I just said that. Pay attention.  
  
"It's a written rule so I'm going to have to ask you prev- children why I should be teaching this lesson."  
  
"Because you said so?"  
  
"Good enough for me. Now we're going to be smacking dwarves. Why dwarves you ask?-"  
  
"I didn't."  
  
"Next person who speaks out of turn will have detention with Snape."  
  
The class went dead silent.  
  
"Always works... Anyways it's only Dwarves instead of the usual Orcs because Dwarves are small and can't be squished. Orcs are big and ugly and they smell worse than dwarves. And I had a little run in with an orc once..."  
  
Uhhhhhhh... I'm not even going to say it. Let your sick perverted mind figure out the rest.  
  
"Now get out your wands and say 'Expecto Bigo Hammerus' A giant hammer should appear in place of your wand. No, not a piece of ham. Though it might distract the dwarves it won't work as well."  
  
The class got out their wands and said 'Expecto Bigo Hammerus' several people came crashing down from the weight of their hammers, and some got pieces of ham... And everyone expect Hermione started slamming the dwarves on the head with their hammer. Those less fortunate were chased by the dwarves because they had big pieces of ham. Lupin stood up and shouted.  
  
"I thought I told you that dwarves can't be squished! You have to squash them. Like this."  
  
He help up his hammer and slammed it into the side of the dwarf instead of on top.  
  
"Ohhhhh."  
  
The class continued, along with Hermione. All the girls and Dean screamed whenever a dwarf exploded. The dwarves that were still alive after the lesson were allowed to go see the house elves and do stuff... Some really sick and twisted people took the dwarves and snuggled with them because they were waist high. People these days. They'll do anything for a good shag.  
  
Draco discovered that Dean was just a gay guy but continued the snogging as it was v. v. entertaining and a good way to ward off the prissy girls. Hermione found Harry to be disturbingly attractive in his Hobbit capris and made Ron and Snape very jealous. Snape took the rest of the week off to rest his erm... manliness. Lupin turned into a werewolf and gobbled down the rest of the dwarves but hairy beards leave a strange aftertaste so he gobbled down some of Snape's secret stash of...things.  
  
At dinner, all the students were getting hairier and found it hard to stop scratching their feet. Some of the elves got loose and started stealing make-up and brushes. Lupin and Minerva soon found them in the girl's bathroom giving each other facials and joined in on the fun. The whole school, except Snape, went to sleep and the spell ended. Reminder that the spell was for everything to be Lord of the Rings style and not perverted style, so all that shagging and snogging was real.  
  
Now, where's that damned Sabrina and her implanted wand? I need to see her about an anime spell.  
  
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A/N was that ok? Hope so. R&R 


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